My birthday!

Well, well well, today is my birthday! Time seems to have a habit of flying really fast! Nolstagic is the word i want to use today. I recall celebrating my 8th birthday! I dunno why but i could remember a little! It was not really a happy birthday cos the other kids kept wanting to play with my presents.

Then i recall my 21st birthday! It seems like yesterday only! I recall talking to this girl l really liked back then at 12am downstairs at my swimmimg pool. haha!

Well, here i am, standing at the crossroads of life and only then did i realise why the saying "Youth is wasted on the young". Indeed, looking back, there were indeed many things i could have done and indeed there were many things i took for granted.

I often lie down in bed and i asked God if He could make it possible that when i woke up, i would be 21 again! haha. Well, God knows my heart and he knows my thoughts. Silly as they may be, God knows so might as well share my silly thoughts here. hee hee

I would ask myself what things i would have done differently? Would i be a different person? Would i still be who i am today? Would i have chosen a different career, different relationships, different friends. Would i have been happier then?

Dun ask me why i think what i think. As they say, Piesces have their heads in the clouds and they are day dreamers, hopeless romantic and very emotional people. Well, i would have to say, yes, yes and yes to all the above. Nevertheless, i tried to change, to make myself less emotional.

Back when i was in the Army, i tried to hide my feelings. Dun care so much was my motto. The less u cared, the less u will be hurt. I tried but i guess i am kidding no one. How could you not put everything or give everything you have for something or someone you loved?

That's the irony of love. The more you give, the more u expose yourself. The more love you give, the more vulnerable you are and when someone hurts you, you find that there is nothing you can use to protect yourself and u take the full brunt of it! Some people are so afraid of being hurt again that the have this defence mechanism all built in. Thus, they never give too much, as they are afraid they would open themselves up and risk being hurt. They have learnt their lessons and no no, they are not going to do that again!

My answer is, that's sad! Cos if u never give it your all, you can never experience what love is all about. You sow little and i tell u, the rewards will be as much as u sowed! Then someone came and told me "How can i not be hurt? How can i love fully but yet not be hurt?"

Well, the answer is no! Unless you give it all, you can not receive it all either. But giving all means u will be at your weakest, your most vulnerable. But strangely, how often you hear of love making someone so courageous, brave and eveything that does not seem to associate with vulnerability. That's the irony. To be the strongest, you have to make yourself the weakest.

God says that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. When we are helpless and totally in need of his strength, that is when we realise we are strongest. Love is the greatest! Love the Lord your God and love your neighbours as you would yourself.

Well, i am a hopeless romantic, really i am. I try hard not to show it. I love walking in the rain, those light drizzle and it seems so romantic when it rains at night and under the orange glow of the street lights, the world seem so beautiful! The cold breeze that brushes your face, the sound of rain and the smell of the wet grass. Its beautiful!

Well, i used to write poems, mostly sad ones and it takes a really depressed person to write something beautiful. Haha. Yup, the irony. I believe the most beautiful poems or songs written are by sad, depressed people. I really hated to feel miserable back then! I really do, which was why i told myself i will never, ever write beautiful poems again because i never wanted to be sad all the time. I never smiled back then. I was always moody, depressed and sad. I dun think anyone who knew me back then or anyone who knows me now for the fact, can hardly believe how i am today and how i used to be last time when i was younger. So, i sometimes wonder did i really change or did i force myself to become someone i am not?

Hmm, maybe i shd think about that. I think i can read people very well. But i can never understand myself at all! I know by simply talking to the person once or twice if he or she would make a good friend. I can! i just can! I can tell if this person has good character! =)

Okay then, enough for today!

Praise God! I am lost in wonder, i am lost in love, i am lost in praise forevermore! Because of Jesus unfailing love, i am forgiven, i am restored.

Amen.