Finding myself

The last week has been rather odd for me. I did not feel like myself and i am always troubled. Problem is i had no idea what's troubling me. I was like nervous, jumpy and easily agitated. I felt like i had something to hide. Like a dark side of me and i was frantically trying to cover up. This kind of feeling always come about when i had something to hide or something was bothering me. So, here i am blogging this and trying to see what is it.

Hmmm, let's see. Well, i think maybe my Vicar was stepping down played a small part. Well, not his actual stepping down that made me sad but the thought of life itself.

We all will have to step down from life one day and hopefully, by God's mercy and grace, we will continue our new life in heaven. I wished sometimes, and i cried to the Lord that if only the whole world could just see an angel, coming from heaven and telling us all to accept the gift of salvation, what joy shall fill the hearts of every Christians and what hope it shall give to everyone else. There will be so much rejoicing in the world because we know for sure where we will be going. An everlasting paradise.

I am sure the lives of everyone would be changed. Suddenly, the promotion you were slaving for did not seem to matter that much. Suddenly, the unfinished work and datelines that were so crucial seemed almost trival. Suddenly, all the money you hoped to earn, the career you hoped to achieve, the condo you hope to possess, the high life that thrilled you immensely, the other possessions that you wished u could have, will all seem meaningless when you finally realise all these are like chasing the wind.

But as i am writing this, i know that the Lord wanted us to believe even without seeing. We have to live by faith and not by sight. To not be able to see but yet still believe.

Its like if your best friend told you to meet him or her at this place and at this time, you will be there. There is no evidence or indication that he or she will turn up but you know your best friend will show up. You just know it deep down inside.

Well, i know the reason why you had no doubts whatsoever that your best friend will be here to meet you. I know. It is because of your close relationship with him or her and through time, you both know each other so well. So that is why you have so much faith that he or she will turn up to meet you, even if it was raining or there is a traffic jam or even when he or she is already running late. Remember what i said earlier? Faith is not seeing but believing so you have faith in your best friend.

So, that is why it is sometimes difficult and you struggle with your faith in the Lord. You may not have developed your relationship close enough. However, if you have a close relationship with God, in time, you will have the faith as well and you will not see, but yet will still believe.

My vicar knew that. He knew and he has always been trying to tell us. He also told us to store our riches in heaven, not on earth. This sunday will be his final sermon and the last time he will stand in front the Church as our vicar. I feel sadden that he will no longer be leading us. He has indeed given himself to the Lord. His entire life was spent serving God.

Do you know something, i realise that while not all of us are made to be Pastors, worship leaders, cell group leaders, vicars, bishops etc, we all share in one same similarity. You can be a Dean, CEO, Bishop or just an admin officer but we all should have something in common and that is making God as the centre of our lives.

Do let me try to express what i feel.

Well, i am sure before you were born, your mum carried you for a full nine months and gave you life. She gave up alot for you, endured all the morning sickness, the roller coaster of emotions and other extreme discomforts so you could experience life and she sacrificed, cared and fussed over you all these years because she loves you so very much. Both your parents in fact.

So, I am sure you loved them alot too because they loved you first and took it upon themselves to care for you. As u experience their love, you cannot help but love them back because you recognise that without them, you will never be where you are today. You are grateful for all they have done for you.

When you fell sick, they are so worried and they watched over you while you slept and was at your side all the time in case you needed anything. It doesn't matter if they had no sleep or their career suffered as long as if you could get better. I can imagine when you wake up in the morning and feeling all better, you smiled at them and greeted them, their hearts are so filled with happiness and joy that you are well and their whole world was sunshine again.You make such an impact on them. That is how much you mean to them.

So because of such love in a family, when you see your parents are sad, you are sad and when they are happy so are you. Well, i am sure that in your parents hearts, when they see that you are happy, they too will share in your joy. Such is the close relationship you share. Such is the tenderness and love experienced in a family. You will also most certainly value your parents views and you would obey and listen to them because you want them to be proud of you and you want to also make them happy.

If you are married and not staying with them, i am sure it gives you much joy to go back to see them and have dinner together because you miss them and they are always never too far away from your thoughts everyday.

Now you have read what i have said earlier, you should consider the kind of relationship you have with God.

God has made you and given you life. He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross so that you may live because He loves you so very much. He told you to pray so that as you focus on the Lord and ask for His help, He will be there to help you. God says ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and you shall find.

So, i am so thankful and grateful that i realised how much God loves me. Not only me, but all of us. God loves us all so much and how could we not love Him back? How could we not be humbled in His presence and realise we have nothing and will be nothing if not for God.

So, now you know why i go Church, pray, attend cell group, do bible study and lead the kind of life that Jesus told us to live. That is my way of loving God back. Yes, i still stumble sometimes along the way. But if you are truly repentant, God always forgives. Everytime!

And if you do not bother to pray daily, you do not care for reading His Words daily, you cannot be bothered about attending cell group or if you would rather spend Sunday morning sleeping and eating instead of being in Church to worship Him, guess what? Take a minute to think about it. Can you guess what it is?

God will still love you just as much. Really!

Now i know most of you reading this would feel i am wrong. How can that be you ask? Most of us will feel there's so much injustice in that but it is true. God will love you just as much as He loves my vicar. He is just as concerned about you as He is with my Vicar. If you need proof of how i know this, please let me know and i will share with you on where to find it.

You can be an ungrateful child, rude, bad tempered or mean but your parents still love you because you are their child and nothing you do can ever change that. Absolutely nothing. Your actions may only make your parents sad and you may make them cry, but you cannot make them stop loving you. How could they? They love you so much! So will you agree with me that you will also in return never try to make them sad or hurt them? How could you bear to make them sad, right?

If you understood what i have said, then understand this.

How much more God loves you. He sent Jesus to die for you so that you may have life in abundance. He sent Jesus so that everyone you care about can have the opportunity to know Him and have everlasting life.

In this earthly world, you would have to say goodbye to people whom you love and you will miss them so much. God knows that. He knows you are sad and he can feel your sadness and because He loves you so very much, He has sent Jesus down to earth two thousand years ago to redeem all of us so that hopefully, you will be able to meet all the people whom you love again in Heaven and this time, you will be together with them, with Jesus and with God forever in paradise.

So, if you truly believe in all that i have said, how could your life not be different? How could you not be grateful and how could you not be thankful? So undeservedly are we to receive such grace, mercy and love from our Lord and our God. God loved us first and all we can do is to love Him back. So, how can we not do as He commanded?

So, i am going to take some time today to recommit my life to Him again. Listen to the song i blogged earlier. Sharon gave me this song and I had it in my office PC for so long but never really listened to the words.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for loving us so much.

Praise God!

Amen.