Its end of May

May has really been a busy month for me and it really just flew by very fast!

Today we had our dept lunch at some Italian Restaurant. Unlike the past few times at lunch, i was quite hoping to sit among friends for a change but as usual, everyone just squeezed in and i gave up the idea and just sat somewhere nearby. To my surprise, Sharon actually kept 2 places for me and Kelvin, much to my embarassment. It was kinda of happy yet embarassing moment and to make things worse, my phone went flat without me knowing and they tried to call me to tell me but alas, i guess i have to wait till the next dept lunch to sit with them. I had like 15 missed call alerts in a space of 5 hours. Kaoz!

Anyway, its like 3.30am and no, i am not asleep yet. Thought i did blog as it has been some time since i did. Work is getting busier. I feel sometimes that i am like in colour and the world is black and white. Its like u are looking around at everything but no one notices u at all.

Well, for the past year, i have been feeling like Neo (Matrix). It felt as if i am out of the "matrix" and able to see the real world but yet its a war out here. A spritual war. It ragging everyday and sometimes u win and sometimes u lose but u keep on at it. I do admit at some point, i wish i had never taken the red pill. I wished i was still blissfully unaware in the matrix. Ignorance Bliss or Truthfully depressing? lol!

I dun worry about tomorrow, i just live from day to day,
I dun borrow from its sunshine, for its skies may turn to grey,
I dun worry over the future for i know what Jesus said,
And today, I will walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow, i dun seem to understand,
But i know who holds tomorrow, and i know who holds my hand.

Yup, i dunno why this hymn just came to my mind. I remember singing this in my secondary school days in Saint Andrew's Secondary School. I love to sing hymns. I love to sing actually! To myself that is, when no one is around!

I feel there are 2 sides of me, one i have during the day and one that surfaces on nights like this. The cheerful, cheeky side that people tend to see me and the dark, depressed and cynical side of mine in the blogs. I dun know how to express what i am feeling right now. Maybe its because its almost morning and i am not thinking straight? lol!

I used to go partying and chionging to rid of this feeling. But truth be told, it only temporary distracts u and u have to keep going to parties and to dance the night away so u will have no time to feel depressed. Depressing isn't it? lol! I stopped clubbing since i turned 25years. It seems that i had quite enuff of it. Though i occasionally do drop in a while but could it be that u will outgrow this? I dun feel the urge to want to go chiong on weekends, unlike last time.

I guess deep down, i am just a boring, safe, unadventurous kind of person. I think i would be like wallpaper when i go to the party, rather than be the life of it. haha! I was never the chatty, friendly, outgoing kind of person to begin with but i did not know how along the way, i somehow just developed this friendly personality.I am a reserved, quiet, guai guai kind of person to be more exact. I would tremble till my knees got weak if i ever had to talk to a girl. haha =P Really. I really am very shy to talk to girls. Not as much today but a few years back, my face would turn red if i had been fairer. hee hee =P Oh, and I fear authority and people with authority as well.

Sigh, i do think i have this gift to read people very well but i hardly know myself sometimes. A friend of mine posted a love song in the blog that my friend has. It happened to me one of my favourite songs as well. It was so nolstagic to read the words to that song.

I wonder how do u know u love someone and how do u know u really love someone? If u see 2 adorable kittens and u love them both, is there one u love more than the other or is it the same? Or maybe subconsciously, u dun realise it but maybe u do love one more. It is just that u dun realise it. Maybe? lol!

Okay, its like 4.25am and i think i better go sleep. I dun think i will go jogging later. Probably will be too tired.

If i say i think someone is beautiful and she takes my breathe away, what do u think i mean? =)

Anyway, guess its time to zzzzz.

Give praise to the Lord. He loves us all so much!

Amen.